Put Papi to work

The New England Sports Update
Justin Thrift

Everyone who is even the slightest bit interested in baseball has talked about it this year: Big Papi and the seemingly career-ending season that he’s currently struggling through. I’ve wept, I’ve shared reminiscent stories with friends about the good days when Ortiz made every pitcher he faced look stupid, and I’ve even admitted here on this Blog that those days of a power hitting Papi may have come to an end.

But then I had an epiphany. What if there was a way of making all this heartbreak go away? What if, instead of cutting Big Papi from the lineup and letting him sink into the abyss of great ballplayers of the past, we put Papi to use? No Red Sox fan wants to see David go, and maybe we don’t have to.

Scenario 1: Assign Big Papi to the Fenway grounds crew. Everybody knows about the erratic New England weather patterns, and Ortiz’s strength would be a great asset to pulling the rain tarp out quickly, cutting grass, and raking the dirt. What would be better for Red Sox fans than arriving at the ballpark early and seeing Big Papi riding the rake around the infield and chalking up the foul lines with that famous loveable smile? It would also be the first time in baseball history that any grounds crew member signed autographs.

Scenario 2: Turn Big Papi into Wally’s intern. Making Ortiz the understudy of Sox mascot Wally the Green Monster would accomplish two things: it would guarantee a bright future in the mascot office, and bring together two already great friends. It’s no secret; the chemistry that these two Boston idols share is timeless. Wally and Papi just work, like ham cheese.

Scenario 3: Make Papi the new Fenway announcer. Who cares if no one understands what he’s saying, he’s Big Papi.

Scenario 4: Make Papi the official “de-stresser” of the team. Player massages, jokes, antics – they all fall into Big Papi’s area of expertise. Team camaraderie is essential to any sports team success and Ortiz has the talent and the experience needed to take on a demanding position such as this.

Scenario 5: Make Papi the new team designated bus driver. He’s portly, jolly, and could physically dominate any person: all qualities essential in a standard bus driver. Send him out to get his license, order up a slick new uniform, and you’ve got a new team driver that can keep everyone loose on those long drives up to Toronto. With his history in this town, I can’t think of anyone more perfect for the job.

These are just a few of the roles that the Red Sox could throw Papi into and keep him an active part of this organization. All of these positions are just as important to a championship contending team as power-hitting, and it would keep the fans happy.

In reality, let’s hope it doesn’t come to this. As the Yankees come to town on a rainy day in Boston, both teams will be looking to gain a secure position at the top of the AL East. It’s that time again baseball fans, time to see these two classic Eastern rivals throw down in a classic duel. Boston will look to continue their dominance of the Yankees as they go for their sixth win in a row against NY, while the Yanks will seek to beat the Sox for the first time all season.